A letter to Berklee

Well baby girl, we made it 6 months. We survived, that's right the both of us (daddy too).  It wasn't easy, but it wasn't always difficult either.  As I sit here today watching you nap I cannot believe you came out of me (thankfully you were much smaller) and I am thanking God he chose YOU to be OURS!

Just 6 short months ago I looked at you for the first time. I loved you but I was also fearful. I had no idea what I was doing. I could change a diaper and that was about it. You wouldn't latch on so I couldn't feed you. Already I had felt like a failure. You cried every time I moved you, I thought "I can't do anything right", and we stayed the extra night in the hospital so that we could send you to the nursery at midnight so we could sleep for a couple hours- selfish? Maybe.  The first 3 days I was more concerned with me.  Why can't I feed her? Why does she cry when I move her? I need to sleep please take her to the nursery. Matt will you hold her I want to shower. In the back of my mind in those first days at the hospital, was a question I didn't know the answer to; Can I really do this?  Obviously I wasn't going to give you away and unwant you. I was just scared as heck. After we left the hospital I was in charge of making sure that you were safe and OK all the time. That was scary.

When it was time to leave the hospital we gathered our things, had help putting you in the car seat, because we didn't know how to do it, and slowly walked to the hospital entrance. Your daddy and I barely spoke. Probably because we were both thinking the same thing. This is real, most of our selfishness has to be gone, things will be different.  We walked out the hospital doors and the sun was shining. It was a beautiful warm and sunny day. And I remember all of the sudden feeling calm. I just had a feeling that the three of us would figure things out. Your dad drove so slow and I never thought we would get home. He said he had never been so afraid to drive before, you know, because of the precious cargo-YOU!

We have had multiple sleepless nights, many poopy blowouts, tears of frustration (both of us), tons of smiles and giggles, and just when I get used to one stage you go and grow on me and I am, once again, unsure of what I am doing. But every day I am in awe of you (and a little of me).  We did it baby girl. Together. We got through 6 months of unknown territory. And here is to 6 more.

I love you and God bless you,

Mommy