A letter to Berklee

Well baby girl, we made it 6 months. We survived, that's right the both of us (daddy too).  It wasn't easy, but it wasn't always difficult either.  As I sit here today watching you nap I cannot believe you came out of me (thankfully you were much smaller) and I am thanking God he chose YOU to be OURS!

Just 6 short months ago I looked at you for the first time. I loved you but I was also fearful. I had no idea what I was doing. I could change a diaper and that was about it. You wouldn't latch on so I couldn't feed you. Already I had felt like a failure. You cried every time I moved you, I thought "I can't do anything right", and we stayed the extra night in the hospital so that we could send you to the nursery at midnight so we could sleep for a couple hours- selfish? Maybe.  The first 3 days I was more concerned with me.  Why can't I feed her? Why does she cry when I move her? I need to sleep please take her to the nursery. Matt will you hold her I want to shower. In the back of my mind in those first days at the hospital, was a question I didn't know the answer to; Can I really do this?  Obviously I wasn't going to give you away and unwant you. I was just scared as heck. After we left the hospital I was in charge of making sure that you were safe and OK all the time. That was scary.

When it was time to leave the hospital we gathered our things, had help putting you in the car seat, because we didn't know how to do it, and slowly walked to the hospital entrance. Your daddy and I barely spoke. Probably because we were both thinking the same thing. This is real, most of our selfishness has to be gone, things will be different.  We walked out the hospital doors and the sun was shining. It was a beautiful warm and sunny day. And I remember all of the sudden feeling calm. I just had a feeling that the three of us would figure things out. Your dad drove so slow and I never thought we would get home. He said he had never been so afraid to drive before, you know, because of the precious cargo-YOU!

We have had multiple sleepless nights, many poopy blowouts, tears of frustration (both of us), tons of smiles and giggles, and just when I get used to one stage you go and grow on me and I am, once again, unsure of what I am doing. But every day I am in awe of you (and a little of me).  We did it baby girl. Together. We got through 6 months of unknown territory. And here is to 6 more.

I love you and God bless you,

Mommy

Life pre-B VS post-B

Someone recently said to me "Isn't it hard to imagine life without her?" I didn't really answer because I was thinking "No, it isn't hard, I remember pretty well what life was like without her."  I didn't have to think twice about having a second glass of wine, I could pick up and leave to do errands/trips/lunches whenever I wanted. My mind was free from concern and worry; for the most part. So no, it isn't hard to think about my life before Berklee, I loved that life that was only a year and a half ago.
What should have been said is "Isn't it crazy how full your life feels now?"  I would have been able to answer that one at the drop of a hat. "Yes, it is crazy how much more love I have for everything and everyone around me. It's crazy how much less self-involved I am; and how 'out of nowhere' I have this instinct to care for my baby, and the want to be around her most of the time.  I loved the paths I took in my life before, and I love my new path now. I won't say that I have a different life now, I am still me, but I am on a new journey. I am leading a little girl to the start of her life.

Happy 2015!

Our first Christmas with Berks went well. We did some traveling to see family over Christmas and Berklee got to meet a lot of my family.  She got some books and toys and lots of love. We spent the New Year at home. I was asleep by 10:30. Matt was awake until 1:30 binge watching The Wire.

I celebrated my 29th birthday yesterday doing things I love: spending time with my little family, volleyball, and eating. We went to the grocery store to get food for the week and, of course, Berk went with us. Well she had not pooped the day before, first time ever the girl had not pooped. So we were a bit nervous of when the big poop debut would occur. Sure enough in aisle 8 , the grunting and red face began. Not 10 seconds later I could smell her; probably the smelliest poo she has ever had. So here I am pushing a stink bomb around like a mad women knowing that this poopy diaper is a messy one. I would have changed her but I did not have a spare pair of pants (bad mommy- Rookie mistake).   I knew she needed new clothes because I asked Matt to check her, he hand checked under her bum and felt the wetness.  We get to the check out line and this high school girl is checking us out, she looks at Berklee and says "ah cute"; but then the smell must have reached her because she hardly looked up at us afterwards and only said thank you at the end. I am not exaggerating people, this was a bad one. We get home take her up to the bath, car seat and all. The poop was everywhere in her car seat , on her blanket, all over her leg, but magically hardly in the diaper. Hmmm. It was a two person job undressing her,  wiping her down, putting her in the tub, rinsing and washing her car seat and clothes.  This did not phase Berklee, she was cooing and trying to play with the wipes while we were wiping her.  Matt and I were laughing and in between the giggles I was gagging. It was the smelliest/messiest explosion to date. Happy birthday to me :)   But later that evening I got snuggles from Miss B.  Not the snuggles where I wrap her arms around me and try to push her head on my shoulder and hold her there. I mean the active snuggles where SHE nuzzles her head in the crook of my neck and stays there by CHOICE. That my friends, was a first. So overall a fantastic birthday.

I hope you all enjoyed the holidays and here's to 2015.