9 months- where did my baby go?

Yesterday Berks turned 9 months.  She is not crawling yet, but that doesn't stop her from getting where she wants to go. She rolls all over the place and pulls down books and puzzles, rolls to the vents and kicks them to make noise, and rolls all over the hardwood floor (thanks for sweeping) and tries to bite the cupboard corners (silly baby).  She claps like crazy, says dada, loves eggs, Greek yogurt, and cinnamon swirl toast. She loves to be outside and attempts to detest nap time. She has started waking up every 3 hours to eat at night.  I know she doesn't need to eat, I believe it is a comfort thing, but I nurse her anyway because I am tired and I would rather her be up for 10 minutes calm than screaming for 30.  She loves to pull her bows off her helmet so I have to distract her while I stick them on (jingling my keys usually does the trick).  She is happy, goofy, and a bit of a spitfire. She is the best thing I have ever known.

Helmet update

We have had the helmet for 2 weeks now.  We slowly increased the number of hours she wore it the first week; and the second week she has been in it 23 hours a day. She has done so well with it. She smiles and giggles at it when it is off, and grimaces when it is put on.  She likes to head butt things with it.  It is pretty funny until she does it to your face. Most people stop to talk about how cute she is.  We have only had one person ask why we would put that silly hat on her. I explained what it was and she said " a flat head, that is weird" and then walked away. I do not feel weird or nervous out in public like I thought I would. I don't notice people staring because I guess I just don't care (which I thought I would).  When she has it off I kiss her head like crazy.  I'm so glad that she has adjusted so well to it.

Trying to get a picture uploaded but it is not working.  Hopefully I will get some up soon.

It's helmet time

Today is the day. In 2 hours Berklee will be sporting a pink plastic helmet. Matt and I went back and forth trying to decide which design to pick. We finally decided on just a plain pink one and we will jazz it up with bows attached to Velcro.

Any helmet buddies out there have any words of wisdom? Do the kiddos really adjust as quickly as I am told? Is it really pain free? 

Getting in as much headband use as we can. 

Getting measurements done with the scanner. Technology is awesome. Grandma said she looked like a tellatubby :)

We are ready.  Time to shape up :)

Hubby- I swear you are not forgotten

Dear husband of mine,

I love you more than words, really, I do. I promise you once I'm not so tired, I won't bark at you for petty things like: dinner with no bib, Jammie shirt on backwards, lotion not being completely rubbed in, her dinner bowl still sitting on her high chair...your dinner bowl sitting on the counter. So when I voice, probably not such sweet words, just know that hiding under all the nastiness is the unspoken "thank you for feeding her, bathing her, and dressing her."  I know you are also tired.

I love you more than I show. We give a quick goodbye peck, welcome home peck, and a goodnight peck. All expected. I promise I am still sexy and spontaneous somewhere under my unmade face, messy hair, and crusty baby food stuck clothes. When we lay down at night and I tangle my feet in yours please know that you are still desired.

I think I am getting the hang of mommy hood (for the most part) but I am not doing a good job at being a wife. I promise I have not forgotten about you.  I could not do all of this without you, I would not be who I am without you. I promise that I still want to BE with you. I love our quick kisses and I often think about longer, more intense kisses, but somehow I forget to go through with it.  I still share my body with our daughter, and maybe that makes me a little hesitant towards you.

You are the best daddy to our little girl. You love her so much and that makes me love you more. You may do things differently than I do, but you are an active, involved father. So THANK YOU.  I will make a better effort at telling and showing you I LOVE YOU.

Monday Blues

Damn, we had Berklee's head referral and he suggests doing a helmet. With his trained eye he can see a difference in her ears and the back of her head. But, I guess without a trained eye you can see the difference in the back of her head. I am trying to be OK with this.

This is how I feel...

Irritated-  that they pushed our appointment back a month, she would already be wearing it now, had they not rescheduled us. And the specialist said it's a rush to get it on her before her next big growth spurt at 9 months; tomorrow she will be 8 months and we haven't been fitted yet.

Sad-  that she has to wear one. She is only 8 months so she won't know if anyone is looking at her funny or snickering at her, but I will; and it will break my heart.

Guilty- This is the one I struggle with the most. Is it my fault that her head is flat on the left side? Did I not hold her enough? Let her nap too long? Take her to too many places in her car seat? I am a stay at home mom, and her head is flat. Did I not do enough? GUILT. We purposely placed objects/toys to the right of her so she would have to lay that way, we did physical therapy and stretches, we positioned her differently in her crib, even tried supervised tummy naps. When I say "we" I mean mostly "I".  I feel like I failed her.
I also feel guilty because I do not want everyone to see her in a helmet. My beautiful baby is going to have to wear a bulky unattractive accessory. It is a total vanity thing, and that makes me feel super guilty. I know things can be worse and I am grateful it is just a cosmetic issue. I am fighting through this guilt and working on getting over it. She will still be adorable and it isn't my fault (allegedly).

Her fitting is in 5 days.  We should get the helmet about 2 weeks after that. Just this week she started pulling off her hats and headbands. This helmet will be an adjustment for both of us.

Here comes the sun...

Finally!  Not only is the sun making his way into our lives again, but he is bringing his friend-warmth!  Oh how I have missed their sweet kisses on my face.  This winter was a long one. UFFDA! In my 29 years of life I have probably dreaded winter for 20 of them. But this year I not only dreaded winter, I cursed it. I know it had to do with having a baby and being cooped inside. We were not shut ins, we went out and about and did weekly outings. But it wasn't with a smile on my face. Bundling the baby up so she was a lump of material with a face is not my cup of tea. But we made it through. It is close to the middle of March and this week (not so coincidently, the week we should be in AZ*high five God*) has and will be in the high 60's. What a refreshing blessing it is to be able to enjoy the outdoors again. Welcome to the sound of chirping birds, kids screaming and laughing, and the warmth of Mother Nature giving you a hug Berks!  Even though I am still sad we are not with gma and ggma, my mood has improved.

Along with admiring the disappearing winter, I admire single parents. Matt and I both had the flu for 24 hours (him puking all day, I just had body aches and chills). He was in bed all day and because he was worse off I was, I was in charge of Berks. I felt like a bad mom.  I did the necessities: feedings, changings, and naps. But in between those I laid on the couch and watched her play on the floor-alone. I wanted so badly to take a nap or give her to Matt. We even called reinforcements, but they were also sick. It was so hard to do the daily tasks.  And that night she just happened to have a terrible night. Waking up every hour for 6 hours. We took her temp and she did not have a fever and she was acting like she felt OK (thankfully) but it was rough getting up that much after not feeling well. (She ended up getting two teeth the next day).  Those of you who do everything and more that your children need, while working or not, and you do it alone; I am amazed by you!  Parenting is a challenge and I do not work, I only have one kid, and I have help.

Whatever your situation is, feeling down in the dumps or feeling like your head is barely above water; keep going.  You can do this and you are not completely alone. God has your back.

The "I" Word That Leads to War Among Parents

This topic is frustrating, uncomfortable, and hits a lot of nerves. I do not have the background to say YES you need to immunize or NO you should not immunize but I do have my opinion.

I am not a gambler. I do not place bets that hold more merit than a back rub. I do not leave circumstances up to chance if the situation can be controlled.  That being said I respect that all families can make their own decisions for religious reasons or personal beliefs. But if your decicion is to take a chance, than I also have the right to run in the opposite direction as you. And I have the right to be upset that my family has to avoid places where there are large crowds because my daughter is too young to be immunized; without your eye rolling or judgement that I (will) put "chemicals" in my child.

This topic is difficult to talk about and ends up being one side vs the other and leaves parents scrambling to defend themselves against each other. I run from you because I believe that is what I need to do to protect my baby.  You take a chance because that is what you feel will protect your family. Next time we meet, and I cross the street, rather than rolling our eyes and muttering burning insults at one another  why don't we lock eyes and SEE that each of us is just trying to do what we believe is best for our families.

A letter to Berklee

Well baby girl, we made it 6 months. We survived, that's right the both of us (daddy too).  It wasn't easy, but it wasn't always difficult either.  As I sit here today watching you nap I cannot believe you came out of me (thankfully you were much smaller) and I am thanking God he chose YOU to be OURS!

Just 6 short months ago I looked at you for the first time. I loved you but I was also fearful. I had no idea what I was doing. I could change a diaper and that was about it. You wouldn't latch on so I couldn't feed you. Already I had felt like a failure. You cried every time I moved you, I thought "I can't do anything right", and we stayed the extra night in the hospital so that we could send you to the nursery at midnight so we could sleep for a couple hours- selfish? Maybe.  The first 3 days I was more concerned with me.  Why can't I feed her? Why does she cry when I move her? I need to sleep please take her to the nursery. Matt will you hold her I want to shower. In the back of my mind in those first days at the hospital, was a question I didn't know the answer to; Can I really do this?  Obviously I wasn't going to give you away and unwant you. I was just scared as heck. After we left the hospital I was in charge of making sure that you were safe and OK all the time. That was scary.

When it was time to leave the hospital we gathered our things, had help putting you in the car seat, because we didn't know how to do it, and slowly walked to the hospital entrance. Your daddy and I barely spoke. Probably because we were both thinking the same thing. This is real, most of our selfishness has to be gone, things will be different.  We walked out the hospital doors and the sun was shining. It was a beautiful warm and sunny day. And I remember all of the sudden feeling calm. I just had a feeling that the three of us would figure things out. Your dad drove so slow and I never thought we would get home. He said he had never been so afraid to drive before, you know, because of the precious cargo-YOU!

We have had multiple sleepless nights, many poopy blowouts, tears of frustration (both of us), tons of smiles and giggles, and just when I get used to one stage you go and grow on me and I am, once again, unsure of what I am doing. But every day I am in awe of you (and a little of me).  We did it baby girl. Together. We got through 6 months of unknown territory. And here is to 6 more.

I love you and God bless you,

Mommy

Life pre-B VS post-B

Someone recently said to me "Isn't it hard to imagine life without her?" I didn't really answer because I was thinking "No, it isn't hard, I remember pretty well what life was like without her."  I didn't have to think twice about having a second glass of wine, I could pick up and leave to do errands/trips/lunches whenever I wanted. My mind was free from concern and worry; for the most part. So no, it isn't hard to think about my life before Berklee, I loved that life that was only a year and a half ago.
What should have been said is "Isn't it crazy how full your life feels now?"  I would have been able to answer that one at the drop of a hat. "Yes, it is crazy how much more love I have for everything and everyone around me. It's crazy how much less self-involved I am; and how 'out of nowhere' I have this instinct to care for my baby, and the want to be around her most of the time.  I loved the paths I took in my life before, and I love my new path now. I won't say that I have a different life now, I am still me, but I am on a new journey. I am leading a little girl to the start of her life.

Happy 2015!

Our first Christmas with Berks went well. We did some traveling to see family over Christmas and Berklee got to meet a lot of my family.  She got some books and toys and lots of love. We spent the New Year at home. I was asleep by 10:30. Matt was awake until 1:30 binge watching The Wire.

I celebrated my 29th birthday yesterday doing things I love: spending time with my little family, volleyball, and eating. We went to the grocery store to get food for the week and, of course, Berk went with us. Well she had not pooped the day before, first time ever the girl had not pooped. So we were a bit nervous of when the big poop debut would occur. Sure enough in aisle 8 , the grunting and red face began. Not 10 seconds later I could smell her; probably the smelliest poo she has ever had. So here I am pushing a stink bomb around like a mad women knowing that this poopy diaper is a messy one. I would have changed her but I did not have a spare pair of pants (bad mommy- Rookie mistake).   I knew she needed new clothes because I asked Matt to check her, he hand checked under her bum and felt the wetness.  We get to the check out line and this high school girl is checking us out, she looks at Berklee and says "ah cute"; but then the smell must have reached her because she hardly looked up at us afterwards and only said thank you at the end. I am not exaggerating people, this was a bad one. We get home take her up to the bath, car seat and all. The poop was everywhere in her car seat , on her blanket, all over her leg, but magically hardly in the diaper. Hmmm. It was a two person job undressing her,  wiping her down, putting her in the tub, rinsing and washing her car seat and clothes.  This did not phase Berklee, she was cooing and trying to play with the wipes while we were wiping her.  Matt and I were laughing and in between the giggles I was gagging. It was the smelliest/messiest explosion to date. Happy birthday to me :)   But later that evening I got snuggles from Miss B.  Not the snuggles where I wrap her arms around me and try to push her head on my shoulder and hold her there. I mean the active snuggles where SHE nuzzles her head in the crook of my neck and stays there by CHOICE. That my friends, was a first. So overall a fantastic birthday.

I hope you all enjoyed the holidays and here's to 2015.